A Link to the Past

A response to "Dark Secrets...Almost Forgotten...But Not Quite..."

Is chagrin the word that comes to mind upon reading this latest offering from OADS? Well, it'll have to do. Reader, I would like to back track a bit here, and this will take us to a little place called Over Ten Years Ago. My pants were baggier, I was trucking around in Airwalks, and reading Salinger for the first time.

And if I wasn't playing Goldeneye for the N64, I was playing Zelda: Ocarina of Time. God, I hated that game. That son'abitchin game. Mention the Water Temple to me and you'll get an involuntary shudder.

Where was I? Oh, right. Now Reader, you may or may not know that any game worth its salt will have what's called a Strategy Guide printed along with it as a game-playing companion. That's right, something to refer to if you're all of a sudden stuck on a particular area of the game or if you might need to hold a glossy map of the cave dungeon with your greasy Dorito fingers. Are they helpful? Sure, they'll get you to where you need to go but any self-respecting gamer will deny the guide. And really? They're really just additional material to bilk you out of another twenty dollars.

But, for this game? I had the guide. It was a gift from my sister, who went through the trouble of procuring me the Gold Edition of this game, which is a big deal. So, why not get the guide as she's already standing in line, Foil Collector's Box, housing the coveted Gold cartridge, in hand. 

That's how I came to own the Official Nintendo Strategy Guide for Zelda.

Woe the ridicule.

Being a self-professed gamer and having your peers find out you owned the strategy guide to something will give you a few Carrie moments of your own.

To this day people still say things like: Oh, hey Dorge, you going to pick up Metal Gear: Snake Eater? It's about forty bucks, well...sixty for you since you'll need the strategy guide. Or maybe knocking on the bathroom door and saying, "You ok in there? Need the strategy guide?" 

Now, to the reason the latest OADS post elicited such a shit-eating grin from me.

True, I did at one time own the strategy guide to Zelda, but I didn't have it long. Why? Because I let Pat borrow it. Yes, the very same Pat OADS refers to in the beginning of "Dark Secrets...," and furthermore he had it when he was playing the game himself. I, however, did not!

I won't even play games around Pat because of this insufferable "Tsk" sound he makes when I, heaven forbid, don't reload my clip as fast as he thinks I should. I really don't even talk to him much about games.

Yes. He is the best gamer I know. Yes. He has beat me on Super Smash Brothers with his eyes, literally, closed.

But, I didn't need the strategy guide to get past this now infamous door. And I didn't need to call OADS to hash it out for an hour.

I was not defeated by the A button.

So, all of you with your snide little comments?

Go fuck yourselves.