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I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be fighting alligators or crocodiles. I've read the Bulletin just as many times as you have but I still can't get it straight. Are there any real differences? One looks better on a Disney poster? One looks better with a trumpet on a Disney poster?

I think I'm going to piss myself. I just wanted to be alone before the fight and now I'm feeling really, really alone. Dirt and grit is coming down from the rafters because the people in the arena are stomping the We Will Rock You anthem so hard.

Alligators have short squat mouths and croc's are long and narrow and both could probably snap a goddam volkswagon in two. All this didn't happen when I said I could take two dogs. Probably because A) Everybody grows a big softie for dogs and didn't want to see a 200lb man fighting them and B) Despite initial doubts about the outcome of said dogfight, everyone was pretty damn sure that this alligator (or crocodile) was going to totally eviscerate this stupid son of a bitch.

I think in Florida they teach kids to zig-zag when running away, not really sure what that's supposed to do but right now I'm just trying to remember everything I know about the damn things.

What will happen next is the gate will open. I'm not in a locker room like Rocky, praying and getting my hands wrapped. I'm in this cell of a thing because there's a pretty hefty chance I would have ducked out the back given the opportunity. So they'll open the gates, really they're like big barn doors, and then I'll be out in the arena. I supposed I wouldn't have to necessarily go out there but I'd rather run around a bit than let that thing just come in here and eat me.

Strike what I said earlier, I am praying. Though if they read the transcript back to me in Heaven it's probably not going to sound like one of the more conventional prayers.

I wonder if I stand totally still if the reptile won't even see me. I think that's something else, though.

The opening act is finishing up and I swear I can smell sulfur. There's an MC going on about something. There are protestors, too. Whatever's about to happen is...about to happen. They are coming to open the gates.





Now it's up to you, Readers! What happens next? Does Dorge make it out alive by the skin of his teeth? Or go down faster (and bloodier) than Icarus? You decide! Let us know in the comments section whether you think Dorge is down for the count or lives to write another day! And if you're worried about sullying your good name with comments like Die a horrible death! Feel free to email DorgeKas@gmail.com

And not to weigh in too heavily here, but Mods is pulling for you, Dorge! We hope you don't get Jason Todd'd.