Dorge Begins

Reader, I'm a little concerned. I think it's great you're trying to talk to me about comics and all, trust me, I'm all for it, but I just want to sit you down and let you know what you're getting into. Yes, I listen to NPR too, and the fact that they're spending some air time on one of my favorite things is great, thank you, NPR. But Reader, I just don't want you getting the wrong idea, here. So let me break it down for you just a little bit more.

First, we're going to start with Marvel. There's a lot of you wandering around out there thinking Peter Parker's dead and he's been replaced by some black guy. Well, he is dead, and he isn't. Let's go over that.

A few years ago Marvel launched a line of comics under a banner called "Ultimate". It started with Spider-Man, and no one really thought it would work. What was it? It was a brand new Spidey, #1, baby. But it forewent the old 1963 version and retold basically the same story with a modern edge to it. Everyone bought it up, great storyline for already established fans from the old Amazing Spider-Man, and a great jumping-on point for people for the new Ultimate Spider-Man. It was such a success, other Marvel properties followed suit, soon there would be Ultimate X-Men, Fantastic Four and Avengers.

It proved people love a re-do, a fresh starting point. It was fresh and exciting. But for people outside the know, that's you, Reader, it would prove to be a little confusing on down the road. Because, now you see, there were effectively two Spider-Mans. The Ultimate version, and the Classic version from the sixties.
The difference was that Marvel could get away with a little more on the Ultimate side of the fence, and still get credit for being edgy. Because, trust me, they ain't gonna do anything to mess with the cozy confines of the Classic Universe.
For example: Ultimate Universe gave us black Nick Fury, gay Colossus and now dead Spider-Man.
So, when NPR expounds on how daring it is to kill off a major character, just keep in mind that they didn't, not really. It's still a feat, no doubt, to mess with a major title, but...they didn't re-invent the wheel.

Also, before we move on, you should know that Ultimate Peter Parker is being replaced by Miles Morales, a hispanic/black teenager whose special powers are to garner Marvel a wider demographic.

Nice new design, radically different, but still instantly recognizable as Spider-Man. Reader, I'm not unhappy, and yes, my comic retailer will have this particular issue waiting for me the day it comes out.

You know what John Lennon said about Chuck Berry and Rock 'n Roll? Well, the same can be said about Fanboys and Suckers.

Now, I guess I about made that about as clear as mud, so let's go on to D.C..

D.C. too, is going the Ultimate route, except they're totally abandoning their "Classic" universe, and are just going to totally immerse themselves in the new and improved, starting with issues numero uno for all their characters in September.
Admittedly I'm not a D.C. guy, so I won't try to get into the nitty-gritty on this one, but I'll tell you this, Reader, they already did this once with a comic event called Crisis on Infinite Earths, I believe it was called, where they traded a Golden Age Superman for a Silver Age, whatever the hell that means, it was all brought to light again in an arc called Crisis, which was actually pretty good.

But now it looks like they're getting rid of Silver Age Supes for a....Modern Age (?) version. I'm not sure on the particulars, but it sounds to me that the boys over there wrote themselves into such a hole that the only option they had left was to relaunch their entire damn universe (to be fair that opinion was provided to me by the editor of O.A.D.S., but it makes sense).

Which, if D.C. wants to do that, fine. But, again, let's not listen to NPR and act like anything much is going to change. The "biggest" change they made to Superman? Got rid of the red undies. Batman? Well, he's in...armor now? the Flash has pointy-er head fins and Aquaman still sucks.

 When it's all said and done this is just a way for the Pepsi and Coke of comics to make some money, and that's what it's about at the end of the day. People love number ones, and they also like to have a jumping-on point, which Marvel and D.C. have been providing over and over through the years, be it Heroes Reborn, Zero Hour, Allstar Batman and Robin or countless others.
What's important, Reader, is that this doesn't make you cynical, that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to get your ass to a comic retailer and buy some goddamn comic books.
It doesn't matter that the overhauls comic companies do to their characters are more trite than invigorating, what matters is everone should have a favorite comic story. Whether it's the time Tiger Shark almost killed Wolverine, or Invisable Woman kissed Namor.
And, in closing, I can't really blame D.C. for playing it safe with their redesigned images for their characters. You may not have been there, Reader, but the last time they fucked with Supe's image the fan backlash was pretty brutal.
In fact, you may want to get the kids out of the room.