Gospel Music

I am not a religious person. I'd probably describe myself as agnostic, at best. I don't care what you do, or who you worship, or what you believe in, just, please, don't bother me with it. But, there is one thing that evokes my ire while on the subject of religion: I cannot stand for any sort of persuasion using religious dogma. Be it monetary, fear, acts of war..., anything. WWJD bracelets set me livid for sixth months, and any billboard that ends in -GOD makes my throat burn with bile. Preying on Southerners through their fanatism is clever, yes, but wrong. So you can imagine my reaction the other day when I heard a commercial on the television while I was cleaning my daughter's room. Some huckster wedged inbetween animated elephants and talking vegetables was suddenly trying to get my kid to buy Baby Jesus' Guitar, and Other Instruments. I was rabidly looking for the match to a sock, so all I could really do was listen as I heard school-age children exclaim over the Baby Jesus Drum Set and Baby Jesus Keyboard. I was getting so angry I forgot what I was even doing with my head shoved under the bed, groping wildly for anything that might be a Size Three Yellow Sock, but by the time I got into the living room the commercial was over. How Dare They, How Dare They, was my mantra and I wondered if this was something to call the Attorney General about, call someone about. Start a Baby Jesus Band! I didn't care if someone just bought a pair of maracas and started singing songs about Jesus, but to slap (what I imagined) something akin to a Hello Kitty Jesus Face onto something and pander it to Christians was abhorrent to me, and hopefully others. I sat down and watched four hours of programming meant for toddlers hoping to see the commercial again, but it was gone. I couldn't find anything on the Internet, either. I wondered how many people had been swindled by this fly-by-night company, probably the same people who sold flags after 9/11. Then something more disastrous came to mind: what if someone bought a Baby Jesus Guitar for my daughter for Christmas, in some misplaced...gesture. I didn't know who to talk to about this, it was driving me crazy.
Finally my wife came home and I was able to tell someone about my concerns. I was trying to stay calm but the subject was getting me riled again, and her apparent lack of interest was upsetting me. This commercial had mocked something I had strong feelings about and it seemed like I was the only one that cared! Now I was getting upset with her, was I the only bastion of defence left against a world that would slap a Hello Kitty Jesus Face on the side of a guitar only to please Mammon?!

My wife took a deep breath, or maybe she sighed, "Do you mean Baby Genius?"

Damnit.