Quack, Quack Goes the Fuck

He closed the door harder than he intended but held back the apologetic wince. He squared the shoulders of his small frame and set his mouth in a firm line. He had been searching for words all the way up the stairs but all he had managed to do up until then was wag his hands like he was telling a child that was ignorantly waving a knife around to please, put it down.
"God, what is wrong with you, Bryan?" said the small child his girlfriend.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now, Courtney?" he said.
Courtney smiled despite herself, she loved when Bryan put on the tough, "I'm sorry, I just wasn't thinking!"
"What. A. Surprise," he bit out, and Courtney stopped smiling.
Bryan walked into the apartment assessing its condition, resisting the urge to pick up the clothes his brother haphazardly left all over the place, mumbling.
"What did you say?" Courtney chirps, recovering quickly.
"I said, Why do I surround myself with children," and kicked a basketball toward his brother's bedroom door.
"You're acting like this is such a big deal! It's really not, it's really kind'a funny!"
Bryan wheeled on her, "Right now, my mother is on her way up here to see some goddamn imaginary duck, all because you can't just-,"
"What, Bryan? Can't just what? God, if your mother knew how nasty you can be!"
"What are you all yelling about?" enters Bobby, picking up the launched basketball.
Bryan and Courtney flush and stammer, "We thought you were still out."
"Is Mom really coming up here? What for?" Bobby asks, coming out of his bedroom.
Courtney recovers first, "To see my duck," she says, lasciviously.
"God. Really," Bryan says, "Courtney asked if I wanted to come feed her duck, right there with Mom in the car."
"I didn't think she'd start asking all these questions about ducks!" Courtney defends.
Bobby, relishing the plight of his older brother, erupts into laughter, "What kind of questions?"
"Well, for one, why do we have a fucking duck?" Bryan scolds both of them.
"And," Bobby inhales, "she's on her way up here to see this duck?"
"We have to pretend to have a duck!" Courtney says, "Or Grumpy Elf will have a coronary."
"Grumpy was a dwarf," Bryan sighed.
"I know, but you don't remind me of a dwarf," Courtney clawed.
"Ok, ok," Bobby mediated, "Mom's on her way up here and you have to produce a bird. A duck."
Bryan drops his hands, defeated.
"Listen, I'm not making fun. Just, let me help. You want me to say the duck died? It can totally be my fault."
"No, we told her we were renting the duck," Courtney shrugged.
It was Bobby's turn to be incredulous, "Huh?"
"Right," Bryan replied, "she told Mom she was renting a duck for two weeks. From the pet store on High Street."
"So, I think the duck should still be alive, or your mom will start talking about," Courtney trails off, shrugging.
"Liability," Bryan supplies, and the edges of his eyes go softer.
Bobby raises his arms above his head, stretching, "Let's just say...just tell her I'm washing the duck."
"What?" Bryan squints.
"Tell her I'm letting the duck play around in the bathtub," Bobby shrugs.
Bryan is about to tell his brother how incredibly stupid that idea is when there came a polite three-knock rapping on the hollow apartment door and Bobby bolts for the bathroom.
There were words stuck in Bryan's throat and his mouth made a fishy hollow sounds before he swallowed, "...Coming!" he thrust out, just as he heard the bathroom water starting to run.
Courtney bounded over to the door and opened it wide, where his mother was standing curtly but relaxed, and holding a small bag.
"Sorry, it took forever to park!" their mother said.
"Come in!" Courtney said and stepped aside to Bryan hurriedly trying to pick up his brother's clothes, "Sorry, Mom...Bobby," he supplied.
"Bryan, come on, I raised Bobby, I know," their mother winked at Courtney.
Courtney closed the door, "Can I take something?"
"Oh, you will not believe this. Ok, so I get parked and then I'm walking past that pet store you were telling me about," their mother says.
"Mom," Bryan starts, his stomach twisting.
"Oh stop, I didn't get much."
Bryan and Courtney look at each other, "What?"
"It's just a little outfit!" their mother grins.
"For the duck?" Courtney asks.
"It is adorable, just wait," their mother says.
"Good lord," Bryan sighs.
"Oh, don't be mad. Where is the duck? What'd you name him?"
"Uh...Quacky's in the bathroom," Courtney stammers.
Bryan's mother sets the bag on the table and walks toward the bathroom door, "Is he sleeping?"
Courtney and Bryan break into an interception dance, trying to look like that's not what they're doing, "No! No, Bobby's giving the du- Quacky a bath," Bryan starts.
"Bobby's here?"
"Hi, Mom!" Bobby shouts from the bathroom, after turning the water off.
"Bobby, why didn't you come to dinner?" their mother tilts her chin up, shouting at the door.
"I had to watch this duck, Mom," Bobby responds.
"Quacky doesn't like to be left alone," Courtney adds.
There is splashing coming from the tub now and their mother smiles, "Aww, that must be the duck, ok, Bobby, I'm coming in there," their mother shouts, announcing herself just as she always had in the house they grew up in.
"No!" everyone seems to shout in unison.
"Mom, you can't go in there, the duck might-"
"Mom! Don't come in here...I'm naked!" Bobby shouts.
Their mother instinctively looks at Courtney who is trying to hide her deep blush behind her hands.
"But...,"
"Seriously, Mom. You can't just walk in there, he'll go ballistic," Bryan says.
"Why is he naked?" their mother hiss-whispers.
"Can't you hear that? Quacky just splashes everywhere, he gets soaked!" Bryan says.
At this, their mother lowers her head and can hardly control the body-shaking laughter that is spilling out from her. It comes out in silent gasps and sobs and she finally turns away from her pursuit of the bathroom door. She finally turns and hugs her son hard, laughing into his shoulder, wiping her eyes against his polo. She turns gives Courtney a hug, too, trying to catch her breath enough to get a word out.
Finally she leaves, soon to be back in her car and on her way home, having said her goodbyes, or yelled them through bathroom doors.


The apartment is quiet for a long time before Bryan and Courtney think it's safe to take a breath, and Bobby comes out of the bathroom with a whimsical can-you-believe-that-worked-? smile on his face.


It is later that they realize that their mother left the small bag of duck clothes on the kitchen table. Duck clothes! Only their mother.


It is still yet later when Bryan opens the bag to find a box of Trojan Lubricated Ribbed For Her Pleasure box of condoms, with a small square card that reads in his mother's idiosyncratic pen,


"How ducking stupid do you think I am?
 Love," and then the single loop that is her signature.