Let's Make it Interesting

Danver had been quiet a long time. I couldn't decide whether it was because he was angry, or if he was just trying to wrap his head around what I'd just told him. So I just kept driving. I thought the car was the best place to do it, I didn't want him running around screaming and slamming doors, or whatever. I didn't think he would jump out of the car, but to tell you the truth I wasn't one hundred percent on that. So I waited until we were across the bridge.
I probably should have told him he was adopted a long time ago. I just didn't want to deal with it. It's not even something I think about every day. Maybe it will be for him, but I doubt it. He's got a lot going on. Actually, I'm pretty sure he's going to think about it every day, especially when I lay the next bit on him. Listen, I'm not enjoying this, I'm not a cruel person, this is just how things shook out.
I ask him if he's hungry and he nods, that's a good sign. The next thing I have to tell him is who his father really is, which would be easier if we didn't have a pretty close relationship with that person already. Then the last thing I have to tell him is the fact that I won him in a bet. I guess I don't have to tell him that part. But, really, I guess I do, right? How do you tell a human being that they were won in a bet?


Let's back up.


Weezer had a new album, Trump was running for president, IPAs were a thing, and Esquire got a new editor. Also that year: Batman v. Superman; Dawn of Justice.


Adver and I were having pizza as per usual on Friday evenings. Me: Beer. Him: Water.
Let's just drop into the middle of it.
"But, I'm never having children." His line.
"Right, so this shouldn't be a hard bet, I mean, it's not even a bet you think you'll lose in the first place, so, I'm not sure what the hold up is - it's just us being silly."
I really didn't think he would waffle so much on this. I had assumed he'd already had a vasectomy (morbid curiosity being what it is, this confirmed that he hadn't).
I laid it out one more time, "This is the bet. When it turns out that Batman versus Superman is just pure shit, pure shit, and you admit as such because it's so bad, you have to give me your first-born child. Done. That's all there is to it. And you're never even having children, so it doesn't matter. Plus! Plus, you think the movie's going to be good, so you are completely insulated here. Shake my hand!"
The audio of this is a little hard to understand, remember "Me: Beer." but I promise I was saying "insulated" there in that last bit. I was also wagering that becoming excited would get Adver to shake my hand just to get me to shut.the.fuck.up.


That night ended, as they tend to do, and was forgotten. Even to me it was just a silly bet, but, rules are rules. We shook.


And then a few weeks later the movie came out and it was bad. I didn't have a lot of faith in it, clearly, but it was worse than I could have suspected. All I keep seeing is Batman crawling around on that ceiling super fast dodging shotgun blasts. All I keep seeing is Jesse Eisenberg pushing a Jolly Rancher into a man's mouth. All I keep seeing is child Bruce Wayne being carried aloft by a swirling vortex of bats. These scenes make a hate film in my mouth.
I type "Why does Bruce Wayne get to drive a Jeep with sirens on top of it around Metropolis?" into Google and my monitor just shuts off. START WINDOWS NORMALLY?
Here's the root of the problem, the problem Snyder has with every movie he directs: he makes the characters ultra violent, which changes them into unfamiliar characters, nearly unrecognizable. There is no real reason to have Superman killing anyone in a Superman movie. Yes, it makes one wonder the moral dilemma and yada yada, but Snyder made the destination of Superman's story a justification for killing the bad guy. Then we have wholesale slaughter from Batman in the second go around. The one scene that everyone seems to be in favor of is Batman taking out forty thugs in some warehouse, which, I'll admit is fun to watch, and probably is the best scene of the movie, but it was still stale. Squint your eyes and you're just watching a scene from the Arkham games. I'm really not trying to pick this thing to death, everyone here knows I've never liked Snyder. The best thing about 300 was the preview with NIN laced over top. Sorry, focusing.
A Superman movie should make you feel good, and powerful. It should make you want to help people or just realize your own strength and that you can affect others in a positive way.
A Batman movie should make you feel like hard work and focus and determination is everything you need to lock down your goals.
This movie just makes you feel bad and bitter. Snyder can shove all the Stigmata in he wants, this movie won't be Saved.


Now. Let's discuss the good parts.
The opening credits gives Bill Finger his due. Sure, legal made them say Bob Kane with Bill Finger, but I'll take it.
The score is great, really fun to listen to. Henry Jackman, you let me down with that Civil War score, come on, man.
Kevin Costner.
Wonder Woman, ya dig?
And the best part? Being fucking right.


"Are you serious? Adver Blythe is my fucking dad? We eat pizza with him every Friday and no one's ever like, hey-you-guys-look-alike what the hell, Dad? Do I call you that now? A bet, really? I think I'm your kid because you won me in a -"


Reader, it goes on like that for a while, it doesn't get any prettier or interesting. You can probably fill in the rest as it is. We're seeking counseling but we'll make it through together, just like we did with Batman versus Superman.