Sulfur Rich

Sometimes I would just like to fart in peace. I would like to fart and not have my wife launch into this theatrical performance, a tragedy mind you, which involves her lamenting and wailing like she just woke up to find the love of her life dead beside her.

I love my farts. There's nothing quite like that warm escape and following noxious cloud. Only, I find it more intoxicating than noxious. But, having to hear Oh - My - God! after every episode is a bit of a downer.

You know that woman who has an attack at funerals? The one who soils herself with grief, and squeezes you because of Life, Beautiful Life! even though the bastard in the box was pushing ninety and the immediate family is looking at their watches over in the Reserved Section? That's my wife when I fart.

I half expect her to run outside and start screaming, "Soylent Green is People! It's People!"

I fart a lot when I eat meat. My wife knows this, in fact, clued me in on it. Now when we're at a dinner that panders particularly to the carnivorous, my wife gets this look on her face like she's watching one of the Final Destination movies.

When I fart at work I just get out hand sanitizer and start waving my hands like crazy. I would argue I'm very clean because of this. I don't fart on elevators but I will Crop Dust the hell out of the stairs, and climbing stairs seems to massage farts out of me anyways.

My very favorite is the Dutch Oven. That's when you fart under the blankets and kinda just keep it there, let it cook for a little while. My wife says I've woken her up by my farts, but I think she's exaggerating. I think she's just happened to wake up when I've farted, because I really don't think I could wake her up just by neglecting her olfactory bulb.

My sister-in-law is Thai. She told me I was going to kill my family by making "bad air". Well, I just don't think that's the case. Even though my daughter does now walk around the house holding her nose. She walks around the house very slowly, taking gigantic steps, with her nose up and squarely pinched between index and thumb, so it looks like she's walking underwater.

The measures people will go through to express themselves.